


the absolutely true, unfalsified story of how i almost killed your mother, kids

by rowdyhomo



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 18:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13770084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowdyhomo/pseuds/rowdyhomo
Summary: tobirama tells his daughters a bed time story about how he and izuna met.





	the absolutely true, unfalsified story of how i almost killed your mother, kids

Hashirama all but flees the home the moment Tobirama arrives. He barely even pauses to crush his 'precious baby brother' in a hug, despite the fact Tobirama is open to such attacks, as thoroughly immersed in the book he is. Tobirama squints after his elder brother, who'd left a hasty, all too cheery goodbye in his wake, the smile on face more suited for an expression of a damned soul.

The younger Senju has a growing suspicion that he's going to want to introduce Hashirama's head to several choice hard objects very soon.

Anxiously, he stretches out his chakra to feel for his two children. Their chakras are wild, a bit too excitable for near bed time, but there's no nervousness or fear. Suspicions refusing to abate, Tobirama enters his home to find two menaces masquerading as children doing their utmost to make a disaster of his living space. A quick glance around the living room shows a near empty bowl of candy on the table to be the culprit.

Ah, of course.

His brother better not come anywhere near him in the morning, or he really would thump the bleeding heart's skull against the nearest hard surface. Repeatedly. Tobirama had told him explicitly to give them no sugar after dinner for this particular reason. Chiyoko and Mai are usually quite contained, but give them sugar too close to bed time, and like gremlins fed after midnight they became creatively disastrous whirlwinds.

A soft sigh escapes him, drawing the attention of his two daughters.

Chiyoko squeals at pitches not meant to be heard by man and launches herself at him, leaving behind a rather impressive blanket nest. A conspicuous amount of hair ties, pins, and decorations, along with pair of abandoned flower crowns, tells him Hashirama probably hadn't resisted that as much as he should. Tobirama catches Chiyoko before she crashes into his legs and hefts her onto his hip, single armed. The book he'd walked in with still held open in the other.

Mai, having glanced at him, returns to her furious scribbling. She bends forward until her dark hair draws a curtain between her drawing and the world and mumbles, "Welcome back."

His eldest, Chiyoko, wraps her arms about him and does her level best to choke the life out of him. She cheers right into Tobirama's ear drum, "You're back! I'm happy you're back!"

Tobirama returns her hug, then glances about the war against cleanliness that has become the living room.

"Mai, Chiyoko, I am glad to see you, as well," Tobirama says, voice soft and warm. "But, it is far past the time for you to be in bed, why are you still up?"

Without looking up, Mai answers, "Uncle Hashirama, said s'okay."

"I thought so. Did he say you could make such a mess, too?" asks Tobirama, voiced edging toward firm.

Guilty, Chiyoko ducks her head. She fiddles with the fabric of shirt and pointedly doesn't answer.

Mai peeks out a single red eye from her curtain of hair and murmurs, "Papa mad?"

"You two are fully aware of what you are and are not supposed to do. But, Brother was the adult here, he should have taken responsibility. I am far more mad at him than you," Tobirama says. He gives Chiyoko a reassuring squeeze and Mai a small smile. "However, there are consequences. We will discuss them tomorrow, for now, a quick clean up and then bed, alright? Mai, you can finish your picture first."

Two soft affirmative murmurs, and then Chiyoko wiggles off his hip to the ground. She darts off, somber mood immediately lifting, as she works to clean up. Tobirama follows after her, helping her fold the blankets and leave them piled on the couch. As they go, Chiyoko chatters about anything and everything. Mai holds her silence even after finishing her picture--which she hides when Tobirama tries to look at, claiming Mama has to be here to see it too, first. The picture is carefully stacked atop the veritable tome of drawings she produced that night and then set on the shelf. The younger girl also takes care of the colorful assortment of drawing utensils.

Together, though mostly through effort on Tobirama's part, the three of them tidy up the furniture and misplaced items. All the while, Tobirama keeps half an eye on his book. Until suddenly the cleaning is finished and he's striding down the hall, Chiyoko tucked under his arm and Mai clinging ridiculously to his leg.

This is his life, Tobirama thinks, heart unbearably full.

He snaps the book closed before tucking it away, deciding he can’t really gain any understanding from the reading with two hyperactive children using him as a jungle gym. His left arm twists deftly, to keep the wriggling Chiyoko secure, and his left legs shifts to keep Mai from falling off it.

“Papa! Papa!”

“Yes, Chiyoko?” hums Tobirama distractedly.  Not breaking his stride, the man moves his second child from his leg to the hip opposite of Chiyoko, and chides, “Mai, do not cling to people’s legs, it can be dangerous.”

“Tell us a story!” cries Chiyoko.

Simultaneously, his youngest buries her face in Tobirama’s neck. Mai mumbles sullenly, “’S’not for you.”

“If I tell you a story, will the two of at least consider settling down for bed?” asks Tobirama as he nudges open the girls’ bedroom door with a foot.

It’s as much a disaster as the living room they’ve just left. Toys, books, and what Tobirama is certain is Chiyoko’s calligraphy set lay scattered across the floor, tangled up in the mess that is the two’s futons. Tobirama only just fails to sigh. He's almost afraid to see what other parts of the house are like.

(Mentally, he updates the time Hashirama should avoid him to a week.)“Yes!”

“Mm.”

Tobirama very much doubts they’ll really settle down, but it will give him time to tidy up, if nothing else. He runs through the limited pool of 'nice' children’s tales he knows. Most of them he’s shared at least twice. Perhaps, a watered-down version of the tales his own mother used to tell he and his siblings will do.

“Alright, let me think of one,” relents Tobirama, using a foot to arrange the two futons crumpled on the floor into some semblance of order. 

Certainly, he _could_ put his daughters down and use his hands, it would be more expedient, but… Tobirama had missed them. He likes having them in his arms where he can physically feel their bubbling chakras against his own, instead of using his sensor ability.

Mai grasps the front of his shirt before tugging insistently.

When Tobirama glances down to meet her red gaze, she says in all the solemnity a five-year-old can muster, “Want story ‘bout you an' Mama.”

Chiyoko, already bouncing excitedly from being promised story, shrieks delightedly, “Yes! You and Mama! A Mama and Papa story!”

The rate at which the dark-brunette child vibrates in her glee makes Tobirama wonder if she is, in fact, a scientific anomaly instead of a child.

“Oh? What kind of Mama and Papa story, hm?” questions Tobirama, finally finishing smoothing out the two beds.

Unfortunately, though the two’s choice of story topic does give Tobirama a wider range, a substantial portion of that range is still considerably not child friendly. Such is the life of shinobi, he supposes.

Tobirama kneels then leans forward to settle Chiyoko and Mai into bed. His back twinges as he bends over to lay them down. Studiously, as Tobirama does for most inconvenient things, he ignores it and pulls the comforters over the two of them. For Mai, he tucks the blanket under her from shoulder to feet. As for Chiyoko, he makes sure the comforter folds under her arms and is free on all sides. Mai settles in easily, covers up to her chin. The younger keeps an unblinking, expectant gaze on her father. Chiyoko, on the other hand, sits up as soon as she’s tucked in, bouncing still.

“All of them!” declares Chiyoko, pointing a finger at Tobirama with the sort of imperiousness that only small children and unimportant political figures possess.

Mai shakes her head. Tobirama agrees.

“You are eventually going to sleep,” he says firmly. A soft smile on his face nonetheless. “So, I am afraid I will have to decline.”

Chiyoko whines but protests no further.

“How Mama met you,” murmurs Mai, barely audible. Her fingers fiddle together under her chin as her face scrunches up. "All everyone says is Mama's family s'complicated.”

“It is,” agrees Tobirama neutrally, trying not to pull a face. If there’s one word to describe Izuna’s family, complicated is absolutely it. “How we met isn’t very straightforward, either…”

It’s also full of political intrigue that shouldn’t ever see the light of day again, least of all as a children’s story, but Chiyoko’s lips starts to wobble and Mai gives him that look. The look that says no, she’s not upset, just _disappointed_. It's a look she definitely picked up from Izuna. Tobirama finds himself scrabbling together something one might consider a story before he can help himself.

“…However, I’m sure I can manage something,” Tobirama finishes quickly before their pouts develop any further. After all, he's not so sure the two, usually well-behaved, wouldn’t resort to throwing a fit, hyped up on sugar as they were.

Tobirama admits to himself he simply can’t refuse them much of anything.

Par the course, Chiyoko shrieks her glee before flopping back onto her futon spectacularly. Mai, in turn, snuggles deeper into her blanket cocoon, a satisfied smile in place.

Tobirama withholds a sigh, shifting from his knees to sit cross-legged between his daughters. After a thought, he summons a shadow clone—to Chiyoko’s delight—to tidy up the rest of the room while he tells his tale.

“Let’s see…,” starts Tobirama, smoothing out Chiyoko’s comforter. “It’s starts something like this…”

**Author's Note:**

> izuna is called mother/mama bc fuck your gender roles. also their kids are absolutely biologically, how is up to you. next chapter we get the unabridged story, how much of that is relayed to chiyoko and mai is up to you.
> 
> Takes place in some au where the Uchiha clan ended up overthrowing/taking the place of the Land of Fire daimyo, except most of the Uchiha clan remained shinobi. it happened so long ago tho so the main branch that’s now acting as the government is kind of like?? a myth??? it’s a common conspiracy theory joke. most of the Uchiha live in Konoha and are Konoha citizens and if u ask if they’re related to the government they’ll laugh in your face bc the similar looks are so clearly just coincidence (re: they know exactly where their roots are but they’re not telling).
> 
> Izanami Uchiha-nee-Hosokawa (one of the founding mothers of the Uchiha) is the one who (along with several others) overtook the the government. Her direct descendants (Madara, Izuna, their siblings) are the current ruling members. Izanagi Uchiha’s (one founding fathers of the Uchiha) line constitutes a majority of the population of Uchiha in Konoha. His direct descendants (main family) will eventually include Mikoto, Itachi, and Sasuke.


End file.
